20 FUN THINGS TO DO IF YOU'RE AN ICE HOCKEY GOALIE

1. One word: Salt.
2. Before the game, secretly switch the green and red light bulbs around.
3. Slash, hook, and spear evey opposing player who comes within 3 feet of your crease, then point and laugh at your teammates when they have to go to the box for you.
4. After you cover the puck and the ref blows the whistle, quickly put the puck in your shorts before the ref can pick it up, then tell him to "come get it."
5. Moon the goal cam.
6. Get into a shouting match with your stick, then tell the ref you refuse to play until the stick apologizes.
7. If you're on the bench, start giving away all the sticks on the rack to the fans sitting behind you.
8. Every time an announcement is made over the PA system, drop you your knees and start screaming, "Not the voices again!"
9. Every time the opposing team scores, remove one piece of of your equipment.
10. Fill your teammates' water bottles with vodka and watch the fun. 11. As soon as the trainers finish putting your equipment on you, say out loud, "Hey, you know what astronauts can do right in their suits?" Then watch the fun as they scramble to pull the equipment off again.
12. During a faceoff, stand next to your defensemen as if you're a skater too.
13. When someone scores a hat trick, grabs as many hats off the ice as you can and stuff them in your jersey.
14. Using hockey tape, put a large bullseye in the middle of your chest.
15. Using hockey tape, put "(Insert name of opponent's enforcer here) Sucks" on the back of your teammates' jerseys.
16. Rub Ben Gay on the inside of your teammates' cups/jills.
17. Pour Crazy Glue inside your teammates' cups/jills.
18. When the trainer isn't looking, throw a red sock in the washer with the white home jerseys(but make sure you take yours out!)
19. Before the game starts, go up to the opposing team, start crying and say, "Please don't score on me! My coach beats me if I let a puck in!" Then,when the ref comes to take you back to your crease, start screaming, "No! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!"
20. Position yourself in front of the goal cam and proceed to scratch your rear end.

YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE A TRUE HOCKEY FAN WHEN...

1.Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
2.You punish your kids with "minors," "majors," and "misconducts."
3.When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns green, you stop.
4.When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and start cheering.
5.You consider the Forum in Montreal a place of worship.
6.You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.
7.Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
8.You know the difference between "The Garden," "The Gahden," and "The Gardens."
9.You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a "pilgrimage".
10.You think the Canadian National Anthem is the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
11.You send Gordie Howe a birthday card, yet you can't even remember your own family members' birthdays.
12.All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.
13.You went to see "West Side Story" because you thought it was about a game between Winnipeg and San Jose.
14.You went into a bank because it advertised "Free Checking"....and walked out disappointed.
15.When someone refers to "The Classics," you think they're talking about the Original Six.
16.Your cure for everything is a couple extra-strength aspirin and a shot of Novocain.
17.You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
18.Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
19.You can say Khabibulin," "Tkachuk," (BLESS YOU) "Jagr," Leschyshyn" and "Tverdovsky" without getting tongue-tied.
20.Every time you see the name "Roy" you automatically pronounce it "Wah."
21.You're not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
22.You think the Four Food Groups are Nachos, Beer, Pretzels and Rubber.
23.Everything in your wardrobe is your team's colors.
24.You still remember which teams were in the Patrick, Smythe, Norris and Adams divisions and which divisions were in the Campbell and Prince of Wales conferences.
25.You know the difference between "The Edmonton Express" and "The Human Express."
26.You refer to your team's enforcers as "chippy players" and you refer to other teams' enforcers as "f---ing little pieces of monkey s---."
27.When you're at a game, you're not bothered when your kid says"F---!" but when he/she says "shutout" before the game is over, you threaten to wash their mouth out with soap.
28.You wonder what Miroslav Satan did to become the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell.
29.You think the proper way to spell the plural of "leaf" is "Leafs."
30.You can name all the Sutter brothers in order.

You Know You're a True Goalie When...